I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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