Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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