i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
