Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
