morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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