In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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