Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
