I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
