the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
