you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
