this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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