Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
