I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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