Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
