he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
