I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
