I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
