I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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