Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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