I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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