Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
