next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
