I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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