You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
