New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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