Are we in a gay sports bar?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
