don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
