dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
