My hand turned me down
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
