we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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