Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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