Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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