I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
