If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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