gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
ok first of all what the fuck
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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