Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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