You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
