Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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