3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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