Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
