Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
