I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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