Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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