How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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