just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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