break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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