I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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