I faked an abortion last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
