dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
