woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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