Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
