i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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