my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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