If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
