can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
